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I can tell you the meaning of life (*cough* 42 *cough*); give you the remedy for most poisons (bezoar); and light something on fire with perfectly pronounced High Valyrian (Dracarys) My point is: My name is Claudia and I thoroughly adore fantasy literature and media. I love when a world is painted for me so well that I can immerse myself in it. One that teaches me about my own world, making a commentary of it.
So you can imagine how it’s a shock to many when I admit that I’ve never seen THE fantasy trilogy of all fantasy trilogies: Lord of the Rings. However, this wasn’t from a lack of trying.
The first time I attempted to watch, I was fourteen years old and visiting my family in Spain. My Spanish -speaking cousins were so excited to share this momentous occasion with me. They pop in the movie and its audio is in Spanish, but they so graciously put on the English subtitles for me. Thankfully, my bilingual brain wasn’t going into overdrive too badly. Everything was fine until my cousins began speaking to one another in rapid-fire Spanish while Spanish dubbed LOTR with English subtitles was playing in the background. They forgot the whole reason why we crowded in front of the TV. Naturally, I gave up attempting to watch it since my brain was too overwhelmed with the environment I was watching in. I vowed I’d try watching it again, but in English.
Fast forward to my undergraduate college years: Many of my high school friends went away to college which made the time together during breaks that more awesome. When we were finally back together, we would stay at one another’s houses and watch movies with some drinks and food. On one of these reunion dates, I was traveling to Staten Island via ferry at 7 PM after a 7-hour work shift that started at 6 AM and two courses. My exhaustion was hidden by my excitement of seeing my friends. I shared my LOTR secret and they, like my cousins, wanted to expose me to the film. As I laid down on the couch, I grew more and more comfortable as I listened to the Elvish words spoken. They casted a spell on my eyelids. As Gandalf arrived to the Shire, my exhaustion caught up to me, causing me to fall asleep and randomly wake up about three times within this 3 hour time span.
After this time, I swore that my third time would be my final attempt. In this final chance, there will be no variables, Spanish-speaking hobbits or sleep deprived schedules, “I will be well rested, caffeinated, and fed!”
After its release 21 years ago, I’ve finally seen LOTR. So, let’s go!!!I hope you enjoy essentially a live feed of my thoughts throughout the film.
(WARNING: If you have NOT seen Lord of the Rings, you will be 1. Confused as you read this and 2. Experience spoilers!)
The Beginning
First off the opening being said in Elvish sounded way too pretty. It began to lull me to sleep because of how soothing her voice is. However, this paired with the war over the ring is so wonderfully done. I also learned that this ring has had more people obsessed with it than partners I’ve had like damn.
After the ring is found by Bilbo Baggins the story fast forwards to 60 years later, where the world’s most traumatizing feet are beheld
I loved seeing the love Gandalf has for the hobbits and a particular soft spot for Bilbo and our boy, Frodo. Now, don’t get me wrong, as Gandalf is coming in through the Shire, he seems like a good time! He has fireworks, a pipe with the good shit, and stories and conversation for days! However, something is holding me back from trusting him fully.
Maybe it’s my PTSD from seeing the abuse Harry underwent with Dumbledore. Either way, I don’t trust him!
Anyhoo, Gandalf is here to celebrate his bestie’s birthday and the party these hobbits are throwing seems to be the party of the century! Food, drinks, dancing, fireworks: they really have it all. I’m honestly still waiting for my invite to the party.
At the party, Bilbo gives a speech and leaves with the most dramatic exit ever thanks to the ring. Honestly, Bilbo is such a relatable millennial. He just wants to be on his own so he can finish his book.
OOP! Bilbo is sounding like a creep with that new voice. This ring needs to calm down with its pull!
Gandalf touches the ring and sees a fiery something and he stares at the fireplace repeating the words “my precious”. Frodo comes back to the home in hopes to find Bilbo, but he only sees Gandalf. Gandalf throws the ring in the fire and asks Frodo what he sees; he replies with ‘writings of some sort’. Gandalf explains that Frodo is the one that needs to take the ring mainly because he is too simple to use the ring for evil, which is rude AF.
Frodo is honestly taking this WAY too well. Gandalf finds Frodo’s friend Sam and tells him to go with Frodo on this journey and he accepts. Gandalf is shady as hell because he didn’t even give them a horse. I know the hobbits have calloused feet, but why can’t they get a horse Gandalf!?
Leaving the Shire
Anyway, Gandalf goes to see his oldest friend Saruman in hopes of recruiting him for the good fight only to find out Saruman is aligned with Sauron, who is the maker of the ring Frodo is guarding. These two end up fighting but Saruman takes control of Gandalf’s body and makes him perform the SICKEST breakdancing movies. After their breakdance fighting, Gandalf is tucked away at the top of the tallest open concept tower and his staff is kept by Saruman.
Back to Frodo, he and Sam are leaving the Shire to meet with Gandalf at a place called the Prancing Pony. As they’re walking, he senses something coming and hides with Sam and a dementor, AKA Sauron, comes by searching for his ring. (Side note: Making two characters named Saruman vs Sauron is just evil for those that confuse names.)
They made it to the Prancing Pony, and I’m surprised hobbits can run that fast. They make it into the inn but are shocked to hear Gandalf didn’t make it. Frodo needs to stop playing with this damn ring. Get a fidget spinner man. You’re going to end up dropping it or slipping it onto your finger.
Told you so! Oh….So we’re in a shadow realm? Oh lord…the dementors know where you are!
Oh, well HELLLOOOOoooooOOOOOO there!
Okay, I instantly feel safer now thanks to Strider.
So, in the time that has lapsed, I’ve learned so much about hobbits: 1. They have disgusting looking feet; 2. They know how to party; 3. They’re surprisingly fast runners; 4. They lack common sense, especially when out running from the dementors.
FRODO PUT ON THE RING AGAIN!? YOU KNOW THAT DOESN’T WORK DUDE! YUP, THERE YOU GO GETTING STABBED BY A SHADOW MAN. DUMMY!
Damn, homie needs to get to the elves in less than 6 days before he becomes a wraith. Oh snap! Here comes Arwen making her appearance looking gorge as ever! She’s gotta take Fro-Fro to her father to give him a remote chance of living.
OMG I REMEMBER THIS LINE FROM THE TRAILERS:
Fro-Fro wakes up in Rivendell to Gandalf’s voice, and Gandalf escapes the tower via moth? eagle? Um…Not my first choice, but I’ll roll with it.
Hold on now. Strider AKA Aragon AKA BAE is the son of a king who fell to the ring?! Staahhhpp! Wait him and Arwen are together!? WHOA HE SPEAKS ELVISH
Meeting of the minds over here discussing the ring and it’s so Shakespearean for no reason. Oh lord, they really tried hard to make Orlando Bloom not look like his hot self. He looks like an extra vampire in Twilight!
I love the confidence Fro-Fro has to say I GOT THIS GUYS! TRUST! I’ll destroy it! (Not going to lie, it really feels like this movie is picking up now!) (Side note: One of the most gratifying things from this scene was finally seeing where this meme came from)
OOO! The name of the movie! I see what you did there guys!
Aw, Bilbo is giving Fro-Fro the elven chainmail and sword. That’s so sweet! OH GOD! HIS FACE! And that voice! The CGI here was awesome for its time! Oh, he’s apologizing to Fro-Fro!? WOW! A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT DON’T YOU THINK?!
The Journey to Destroy the Ring
Wow, Ned Stark teaching these hobbits how to defend themselves is so endearing. They look so happy for a moment then everything is out to get them thanks to Saruman: Crows, rocks, and ice. However, none of it is affecting the team!
Hold on now….
Wait…
HOW AND WHEN DID GANDALF GET HIS STAFF BACK!?
This is him when he escaped Sarmuan
NO STAFF
This is him heading to Moria
WHERE DID IT COME FROM!?
Either way, Mr. Middle Earth Man of Mystery is scared to go into Moria. Instead of advising Fro-Fro, Gandalf just allows him to make an uninformed decision and go with it. See, I knew he was untrustworthy. I love how Gandalf mentions Gollum, but I have to wait to see him. Like what?
These cave trolls are out of control. Once you think they’re gone, more come…SHEESH!
So to get out, they have to cross a skinny bridge. Gandalf is showing true fighting skills here against Balrog. OOOOH YES! The quote many teachers state:
Holy shit! Did Gandalf just die? Hopefully. But I don’t trust it. No body and no blood = no death
Thank God they’re out. I was getting beyond stressed at this point. Also, I understand they’re sad about Mr. Gandaldore, but y’all have to move.
Oh another gorgeous lady. Galadriel? OKAY GO OFF GIRL! This look is giving me guardian angel LIFE. You know, until she starts speaking like a damn fortune cookie and gets really intense out of nowhere. Also, is that a pensieve?
After receiving his fortune, Fro-Fro tried leaving, but Ned Stark is being such a jerk trying to take this damn ring. Greed is a bitch. Okay, this fight sequence is pretty awesome. There goes Ned Stark doing what he does best—dying. These hobbits really have a true brotherhood and I love it!
Off Sam and Fro-Fro go to rid the world of this ring.
The Verdict
I see why The Lord of the Rings is a big deal. It truly helped make the fantasy genre what it is today. The CGI and make-up and the deep storytelling is what helps create a realm to escape to from our world. My main and only issue really is the major continuity error with the staff. Unless this is addressed in a later movie, I hate that. That being said, I’m not sure if I will be as fully immersed in this fandom as I am with others, but I did enjoy watching it. I also want to continue the series and see if Gandaldore comes back to life and when my next major piece of knowledge of LOTR comes in (*insert techno music* They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard! *techo no music*)
This article was edited by Sarah Taylor.